Reflections on Care, Love, and Family
by Naya Oliveira, Root. Rise. Pollinate!
AUTHOR’S NOTE: This article is part of our initiative: Reports from a (r)Evolution of Being. This series is a place to tell stories of the future, the big transitions we need to make, and how these transitions are unfolding now. This piece is a reflection by our beloved “Pollinator In Training” Naya Oliveira.
The smell of garlic wafts through the air from perfectly seasoned rice, beans and collard greens. The sweet sound of novelas plays in the background as I finish my favorite dessert — homemade rice pudding. Red and pink rose bushes bloom just outside the window. I am in my Vovó’s apartment. It is small but packed full of life. Soft and strong, just like her. My grandmother is a quiet woman when others are around, she doesn’t speak English. But her presence can touch anyone’s heart without words. She is the woman who taught me to love.
Growing up in Oakland, my Vovó — my grandma — kept me close to Brazilian culture. In her food, her language, and her warmth, she was Brazilian to her core. She taught me to be proud of where we came from and proud of the culture that shaped my family. She never let the US change her. But the isolation she felt in the US eventually took its toll.
When my Vovó got sick everything fell apart. I was at the end of my sophomore year of college and drowning in responsibilities. I had a full time job in order to afford my living expenses, but this made my full time course load feel impossible. I sacrificed sleep and accumulated unhealthy coping skills. Even my meditation practice was not enough to bring me peace nor stability. If anything, it only made me more aware of how broken my mental state was.
When the diagnosis finally came we learned she had dementia. It was no longer safe for her to live alone. She needed to move in with my parents, and she needed lots of support. Suddenly, the things that meant so much to me — my degree, my life plan — felt empty compared to the grief I was experiencing. It became easy to let go of everything that had once felt so essential. This woman who had raised me needed me, so I decided to become her caretaker. She had a life that was harder than most, but I could give her an ending filled with more love than most.
Caring for my Vovó was painful. It felt like my heart was breaking over and over again as I watched her slowly change from the woman she used to be. Yet there was nowhere else I would have rather been. She gave me wisdom I wasn’t able to find in any University. Being with her was like staring death in the face. Whenever I started to reminisce on the past I was filled with an unbearable grief, and thinking about a future without her was terrifying. I had to balance my fear and grief with gratitude for the love I was experiencing in the present.
I also quickly learned that I could not care for her unless I also took care of myself. I became acutely aware of our interconnectedness and that I did not have to give up a part of myself to benefit her or others. Instead, I began to take care of myself for the benefit of the whole. This was so different from the culture I was experiencing in school, yet I could feel that this was how I was meant to move forward with my life.
I’ve taken care of my Vovó for over eighteen months now. Every time I kiss her goodnight I tell her ‘Eu te amo’. Until recently, she always responded ‘Eu te adora’. Even as she lost her speech she would still respond to me with those words. Until she couldn’t. They were the last words she said to me.
In this new age of technology, as we trade connection for advancement, it feels more important than ever to remember the pricelessness of love, family and care. Caring for my Vovó has been one of the most empowering things I have ever done. It reminds me of the power of my presence in its rawness, just as it is. I did not have to change it, or add to it, or give up a part of me to be worthy. I just had to be there. I just had to be me.
My revolution of being started with my Vovó. Taking care of her broke me open, and it taught me to reclaim our humanity. When we are blessed with choices, we can choose to listen to our hearts rather than leave them behind. As long as we follow our hearts, each of us can find our own revolution of being.
About Naya Oliveira
I am Root. Rise. Pollinate!’s first Pollinator in Training.
Half of my family is from the Bay Area, and half my family is from Brazil.
I was born in Oakland, and will soon be living in Rio de Janeiro.
I am a lover of knowledge.
I am an artist. I am a healer.
I am someone who seeks to find the things that make us human, and connect us as humans.
